The next day I once again experienced the pleasure of a picnic in the woods, this time a little closer to home. The second invitation from the day before was carried over into Sunday so that on the 2nd day of May I went with one of the thousand Julias here to a patch of forest a 20 minute walk from her home. We were joined by her husband, Slava and two of his friends. The forest here was not hilly but flat with super tall skinny trees. Again we found a place and built a fire that would burn for two hours before we ever even think about cooking anything on it. This time all the food was home-prepared, salad, vegetables, sashlik. It was definitely more delicious than the day before for this reason but lacking in the vital ingredient of booze. This particular Julia and her husband are the two non-drinkers I’ve found in Ukraine, but what they lack in alcoholism, they more than make up for in generosity.
After enjoying another feast and more songs and good times I had to cut out early as I had scheduled an appointment to meet with a different Julia to go play pool. I found my way out of the forest with the help of Slava and as I made my way to the metro I felt totally contented and happy with life and my experiences and generally reveling in the wonderful spring weather and attitude. I should have known then… Having contracted a bit of a cold from the erratic weather I couldn’t breathe properly through my nose, thus I was walking merrily along with my mouth slightly ajar when all of a sudden – AACCCCKKKK!!! F#&K!! What the hell was that??!?!?!?!??! I felt something slam against the back of my throat and before I could even think my gag reflexes reacted. As I heaved (hacked) and choked on the mystery invader of my oral cavity I noticed a gang of “oh too cool” Ukrainian boys next to me. They had watched as I transformed from an average pedestrian to a freak with a hairball issue.
Since the bug, as to my dismay I realized the unexplained object was, had collided with such force into my throat there was no turning back, I had to swallow! Gathering all my courage and pushing all thoughts of Fear Factor out of my mind, I managed the biggest gulp I could muster and tried to help my misfortunate friend down my esophagus into my stomach cavity. Thus accomplished I went casually (trying to regain any composure I had left) to the nearest kiosk and immediately bought some gum to wipe away the memory and taste of bug al a carte. This incident, besides ruining my pleasant mood for that day, proves what I had hitherto believed about the plight of my height. My head lays in an air stream very popular with bugs of all sorts, as I constantly have been attacked by one kind or another, ramming into my face, my nose and now – holy of all holies – my mouth! I hopped on to the metro and tried to no avail to remember how pleasant the picnic I had just left was.
Eventually I found Julia #2 and we headed to the billiard hall. It doubles as a bowling alley and is rather expensive. During the prime time on the weekends it costs about 120 gryvnias per hour to bowl, meaning $24 and they are strict about the time limit, if you don’t finish the game(s) in an hour you still get cut off. Luckily we weren’t there to bowl but to play pool. We therefore spent 17 gryvnias for one hour of pool table time, in which we were able to play just two games, which I may add I won. Finishing that we walked back to the metro along the ‘river’ an even sadder version of the Platte in Denver, what would never pass as a river according to some of my friends. I forwent the pleasure of another day of chanting at the Buddhist center and headed straight back to Babushka’s where I crashed, exhausted from the weekend of BBQs and looking forward to the next day, that I would actually have off and I intended to do nothing – which I accomplished by the way.
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